1. You are having lunch with your new colonel, talking about the decision paper you wrote. During the conversation, a blonde walks into the dining area and she is so stunning you draw your boss's attention to her. Having his complete attention, you give a vivid description of what you would do if you had her alone in a motel room. She walks over to the table and introduces herself as the colonel's daughter. Your next move is:
a. Ask for her hand in marriage.
b. Pretend you've forgotten how to speak English.
c. Repeat the conversation to the daughter and hope for the best.
2. You have been tasked to present a briefing to the General. The success of this presentation will mean increasing your authorized manpower slots by 125%. In the middle of the proposal the General leans over to look at your report and spits in your coffee. You:
a. Tell him you prefer your coffee black.
b. Ask him about his recent root canal.
c. Take a leak in his "OUT" box.
3. You are presenting a briefing to a group of 0-6s in the plushest office you've ever seen. The hot enchilada casserole and egg salad sandwich you had for lunch reacts, creating a severe pressure. Your sphincter loses its control and you break wind in a most convincing manner, causing three water glasses to shatter and a colonel to pass out. What you should do next is:
a. Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
b. Point out the Chief of Staff and accuse him of the offense.
c. Challenge anyone in the room to do better.
4. You are at a briefing when you suddenly are overcome with an uncontrollable desire to pick your nose. Remembering this is definitely a NO-NO, you:
a. Pretend to wave to someone across the room, and with one fluid motion, bury your finger into your nostril right up to the fourth joint.
b. Get everyone drunk and organize a nose-picking contest with a prize to the one who makes his nose bleed first.
c. Drop your notes on the floor, and when you bend over to pick them up, blow your nose on your sock.
5. You have just spent the evening with an IG inspector who kept you at the club drinking until lights out. You get home just in time to change and go to work. You stagger into the men's room and spend the next half hour vomiting. As you are washing up at the sink, you boss walks in, blows cigar smoke in your face and asks you to join him for drinks after work. You:
a. Look him straight in the eye and launch one last convulsive torrent at the front of his Class A uniform.
b. Nail him right in the crotch, banking on the hope he'll never recognize your green face.
c. Grasp his hand and pump it until he pees in his pants.
6. It's November and you've just returned from a TDY (temporary duty) trip to Atlanta, Georgia. You tell your boss nobody but whores and football players live there. He explodes with, "My wife is from Atlanta!" You:
a. Ask what position she plays.
b. Ask if she's still working the streets.
c. Pretend you're going into a malaria induced coma.
7. You're attending a briefing given by a Colonel. You feel a tremendous pressure building in your anal area which you diagnose as gas accumulation. Feeling confident you have the muscle tone required for a controlled venting operation, you allow the sphincter to slightly relax. As the hair curls on the nape of your neck, you realize your error in judgment as fifty cubic centimeters of diarrhea slam into your jockey shorts. Your next action is:
a. Moan loudly, grasp your chest, and fake a massive coronary.
b. Ask mindless questions concerning the subject being briefed, wait for someone to yell, "who gives a sh*t!" then raise you hand.
8. You feel the onset of a horrendous sneeze halfway through a briefing. Realizing you do not have a handkerchief, you elect to sneeze into the naked palm of your right hand. After muttering appropriate social amenity, you conduct visual inspection of the results of your action and discover your palm is encased in a pool of multi-viscosity goo. You elect to:
a. Open your uniform shirt and wipe the secretion on your T-shirt.
b. Pretend you are brushing a fly off the back of the person seated in front of you.
c. Spread the offending matter on your hair, then use a comb to work it in the larger pieces.
Dang, I miss the Air Force!!
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5 comments:
And at this point, we start rating our posts: PG, I guess for this one. :) lol.
Only in the military!
I'll be good.
You are good. So was the post. I raised a Marine, remember? :)
Yup, I remember.:) I guess I need to get out of the house, go to a smokey bar, play pool and have a beer. Sometimes you just need to howl at the moon. You know what I mean?
OMG that was just sooooooo funny. I nearly pissed my pants. Thanks for the laughs.
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