Virgie Bell's View: Tips For Jane

I finally heard the wisdom of Hanoi Jane, and guess what? She blames our military for millions of deaths all over the world. She also had at least one spitter in her sorry lot of protesters.

You know what her group needs to do before they have another protest? First of all, they could do what all of the other commie bunches do all over the world. They furnish you the money for this protest. Being such an All- American sport, I'm going to try to help these worthies.

Jane, honey, get a script. You know how hard it is for you to string three words together without one, and you should get a new cause. Cute is so over in your life, so you’re going to have to resort to smart and informative.

You should also do everything in your power to keep out the protestors on stilts. You know the one in the clown suit with the flower on the shoulder? The one that shot out water. It’s so hard for old unimaginative me to take him seriously on any issue. Does he know? I mean about the war on terror?

Janie, we are a different country than we were during Vietnam. This is no longer the Age of Aquarius. Hippy stuff is out. Support the troops is in.

OK, next tip. You need to get a different cast. Or what ever you call them. We finally saw Sean Penn when he received his Oscar. That was with makeup, spangles and all. You're going to have to have makeup, honey. If you use star power, you are going to look star power. Your audience is much older now, and we don't like to be reminded how it has affected our looks. Your bunch depressed the heck out of me.

I guess in my mind you are still Barbarella. Well you shot that to heck along with my own self image. I never looked like Barbarella. So where does that leave me and others like me? I sit in a snit when I watch the gals who only have to lose weight to be happy. No one sends you seven meals a week to reverse getting old. So for gosh sakes, have a little decency . It’s enough that we are dropping like flies without looking like a fly.

OK, Tom What’s His Name needs to do another block buster movie. He can just go so far as Mr. Sarandon. In the last movie I saw of Susan’s, she went over a cliff. I don't go to movies much anymore.

And one last piece of advice. No spitting on our military. We like to feel we have come further than that as a nation. How about you parade down Pennsylvania Avenue in new spiffy suits, each of you in perfect goose-step?

As a last resort dear Jane. Go right ahead and get that face lift. I know you promised not to have any work done, but you gave in on the boob job. Just a nip and tuck here and there. Or as a very last resort, you might try to get the part playing Cindy Sheehan. I had thought Streisand, but you could do it -- it wouldn’t be much of a stretch.

I’m sure we will have this little tip chat again. After all, there will always be wars. God’s word, not mine. So you can always protest, but, please, for the sake of those poor people who have to hear about it, make it worth watching.

I will forever be found yours truly and I SUPPORT THE TROOPS.