Tuesday, January 30, 2007

How it goes ...

...so Dad was looking pretty good tonight. Surgery tomorrow. And I appreciate the prayers very much. I told him he'd have a lot of people praying for him now.

And on a different note, sort of. Is anybody up for grief?

Possibly a strange question, but not really. Sometimes I have to remind myself, or allow myself as it were, to relax in the freedom of the theme of Gunz Up. At the top are these words:

Writings and musings on the eccentric beauty of sacrifice. Come journey and write with us. We are resolved to capture something positive in a troubled world and laugh when we can along the way. This, then, is dedicated in Loving Memory to LCpl. Aaron C. Austin, USMC KIA Fallujah, Iraq on April 26, 2004. Rock On...

Well, I think we can all see that we are rocking on, but sharing the blues are a part of the sacrifice. It's silly if we even dare think that we are continually on the UP beat about this whole thing.

I've been a bit down since right before Christmas. As I've mentioned before, Christmas was our time, our time with Aaron.

Other anniversaries will begin fast and furious in less than 2 weeks. The last time I saw Aaron alive was on Valentine's Day weekend of 2004. Then he flew February 29, 2004. Lost Aaron's baby March 4, then lost my baby April 26th.

I don't think it's so much the "dates" as it is the passage of time. I told Steve the other day that when I look at pictures or read articles of Gold Star Mothers who are 80 and 90 years old, and all I can think is, Oh God, please don't make me do it that long....

The pain is not as sharp. It doesn't slap me in the face hard every morning. But it continues to live. I guess it always will and I can live with that. That too, is part of the sacrifice.

But there's a narrative I was working on nearly a year ago, when I put my pen down or rather, when I quit the keyboard. I took a quick look at the first page and right now, the title is Document 1, and this rough draft is 18 pages. I'm going to look at it some more, but let me know if many of you prefer "No grief" for now, though Gunz Up is kind of Grief Station 101, I sure don't want to hurt anyone. Well just not anyone.

To tell you the truth, I'm not even sure what all is in it but it would take several postings to do it all.

What do you think?

2 comments:

Flag Gazer said...

It is through sharing our grief that we heal. It is through sharing others grief that we heal.

We live, sadly, in a society that will talk about and illustrate the most horrendous things, but you may be shunned when you deal with grief and love. The two emotions that none of us can escape are not topics for polite society.

Isn't this why we blog? - So that we may say what we want about what we want?

This is a week of dates for me, too.

Share, if it is what you wish to do - for we are your friends who come here. We come with love and affection and understanding.

Many hugs and much love to you, De'on.

De'on Miller said...

You are such a friend for me, Flag Gazer. And I know you too have faced so much. Who hasn't? And we still face so much before our enemy is defeated, but you are right, that's why we do it ... to share.

Thanks, friend. I'm looking at it now; to see how best to handle it. Though 18 pages, that is ms style, so it's double spaced. Will fix it for the blog. From what I have read so far, I don't think we'll feel the need to jump off our front porches or anything.

Your words are powerful. Maybe you'll share too?