OK, How About A Little Humor

... Just one of the hundreds of columns I had to write as a newspaper editor.

I’m confused. Again. I just don’t understand how a nation such as ours, a nation whose technological and engineering capabilities have produced such wonders as the Slinky and Silly Putty can be so lacking in common sense. We can produce products that when attached to a vacuum cleaner will cut your hair and slice tomatoes, but we just don’t have any street savvy.

I’m talking about the licensing procedures in this country. Why is it that in order to get a driver’s license, an applicant has to submit to a driving test, a written test and an eye test, but any ninny tall enough to see over the county clerk’s desk can get a marriage license? There should be a test designed to weed out those people who simply don’t have the skills to cope with the formidable task of living with a mate. A simple eye test would probably be enough. Applicants should have to prove they really do see whatever it is they claim to see in their partners. Half of them would flunk it.

Also, the applicants should have to pass something like a road test to prove they are up to the sanity-zapping responsibilities that come with marriage. Those who are eager to tie the knot would have to spend two weeks together in a cramped two-bedroom apartment with a 2-year-old and an 8-month old with a cold.

Heck, let’s make it interesting. In addition, the toilet isn’t working because the 2-year-old flushed the cat, and the wife has turned into a she-devil because she can’t lose any weight after having the baby. Mommy isn’t happy.

Now for the written test. The men would have to answer a few questions regarding the usual events common to all marriages. Women wouldn’t have to take the test because they already know everything. It would be a multiple-choice test, and the men would have to score 50 percent or better to pass. Here are a few samples.

Your wife pulls out a dress and asks, "Honey, do you think I’ll ever be a size five again? Your response:
A. You fall to the floor in a fit of laughter and say, "The only way you’ll EVER get into a size five again is if someone holds it on the ground while you drop from an airplane into it."
B. "Anything is possible."
C. "Honey, I thought you were still a size five. You look great to me."

Your wife tells you she is too tired to cook dinner and would like to go out. Your response.
A. You hug her and say, "Let’s go to your favorite restaurant. You really deserve a trip to the Caribbean, but this is all I can swing on short notice."
B. You do cartwheels and backflips across the living room and swing on the ceiling fan because you’ve been delivered from one of her meals.
C. You throw your hands in the air and scream, "Tired? You’re tired? What’s so hard about opening a TV dinner? That’s all I ever get anyway?

Your wife tells you she’s enrolling your son in ballet classes. Your response.
A. "Over my dead body."
B. "Yeah, yeah, whatever. Good grief, woman. Would you get out of the way. Dallas is fixin’ to score."
C. "We have a son?"

It’s your 10th wedding anniversary. You buy her:
A. A Veg-O-Matic.
B. A trip to the Bahamas.
C. A trip to the Bahamas alone.

Your mother-in-law is spending a week at your house. Your response:
A. You draw a white line down the middle of the house and dare her to cross it.
B. You take her and your wife to restaurants, the theater and anywhere else you have to wear a clean shirt.
C. You tell your boss you’ve thought it over and you will take that assignment in Death Valley.

Now anyone who can pass this test has 1. cheated; 2. watched way too many Richard Simmons’ tapes; or 3. taken ballet lessons. Here’s your license.